I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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