I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize