Fuck appropriateness.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
