last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
