I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my liver is dry heaving
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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