what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think a kid would responsible me up
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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