alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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