News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
