I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
