i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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