got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
