so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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