So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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