Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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