She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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