dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize