I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
