I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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