Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
