fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
