Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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