These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
