How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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