I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
