Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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