We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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