I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
