the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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