I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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