I didn't shave. On purpose
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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