I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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