The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
