I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
