I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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