Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
