i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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