babies were throwing up all over the place
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
