The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize