doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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