This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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