I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
