better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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