I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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