I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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