i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
