You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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