You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I fill condoms, not promises.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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