Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
