no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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