i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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