I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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