There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize