you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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