i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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