Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He? As in you personified your dick?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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