By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
